She is a teacher and recently responded to a student who was feeling bitter toward marriage in general and her father in particular. Here is her eloquent reply to her student.
Everything you say is perfectly logical, but I disagree. I am writing as one who has been very happily married for 47 years. That’s rare. My husband is much better than average in many ways, and we have not had unbroken, consistent bliss. No one does.
Love does often follow lust, and, like lust, may not endure. However, love founded on deep friendship can endure the waxing and waning of lust.
Can you “completely trust” a man? Can you “completely trust” yourself? In either case, I think the answer is “probably not.” Does it matter? Maybe not.
I don’t think “compatibility” is the most important criterion for whom to marry. You won't remain “compatible” as each of you changes in unpredictable ways on an inconvenient schedule. When I married, going off to Africa for a year wasn’t part of what either of us imagined, and was clearly outside the bounds of what a responsible spouse should do, but it was an important part of my life path. Choose flexibility always. And be extremely flexible yourself.
Most people marry with promises of sexual fidelity and intend to keep them. Many people fail there. Maybe those promises are unrealistic. I think it’s easier to stay married if you also try to stay “faithful” in the sexual sense, but I find it sad when straying sexually, giving in to lust that is usually temporary, destroys an otherwise good marriage.
People usually marry when they are still young, then change greatly in the following 60 or so years they will live. If change seems like betrayal, the marriage will be too confining. If the marriage can accommodate great changes in each partner, unpredictable changes, changes that may sometimes seem like a betrayal of original assumptions, and if it is founded on great respect, good friendship, lots of laughter, and good will, it may become the best friendship imaginable. It is wonderful to come home at night (it doesn’t have to be every night) to share your triumphs, defeats and insights of the day with one who knows the context.
It is wonderful to raise children with someone whose love and good sense you can trust. It is wonderful to grow old with the person who knows your history, your children, your joys and sorrows very well. It is wonderful in later life to share memories of so much. It is so helpful when conflicts and uncertainties about your children may still plague you, to have their other parent as your partner.
I suppose a childless marriage, with all the flexibility and good will in the world, could also work, but it seems to me like half a life.
I invite your response.
2 comments:
A very nice letter. Made me think, marriages are so hard to maintain, I hope I will be fortunate enough to last the years!
Me? 42, twice divorced, two amazing sons, good relationships with my exes and still believing in marriage wholeheartedly. This author gets it just right. So right, in fact, that I am sending this immediately to my closest spiritual sister, who JUST told me she got engaged. Obviously the universe brought this to me. Thanks for putting it out there for others to find... many many thanks.
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